Seals

So, this post has nothing to do with disability, beyond the fact that I (a visually impaired person) was editing the photos this morning (so they could look extremely funky or completely off as I have no husband to check them!). We went to the Isle of Skye over the Summer. I saw some amazing things, but my favourite part of the trip was going to see seals. We took a tiny boat and it wasn’t the best of weather, but I got to get really close to the seals, and with the trusty zoom lens I borrowed, I think I got some good pictures. Below is my favourite few, with descriptions of what I think I see. Disclaimer: I know very little about seals and can’t see well so could have described these completely wrong. Enjoy 😊

“Surprised”

Amongst many other seals (one behind and one in front) I got a photo of this one. Their face is turned towards the camera, and there is grass in front of the seal. To me, the seal looks chilled out but a bit surprised at being “papped”.

“Just had dinner”

To me this seal looks super content, the seal has his/her body half turned up and is just above the water (though the body of the seal doesn’t look wet to me). I love the expression on the seal’s face – eyes kind of closed but looking up not down. I imagine the seal has just had some food and is thinking about taking a nap at some point soon.

“Two seals “

These seals are lying down and I have taken a shot which includes some of the landscape around them, it’s a mixture of rocks and some patchy looking grass. These seals seem perfectly attuned with their background, a sort of melancholy, or maybe I am reading too much into it. I also like that they are lying down in the same way!

“Thinker”

The way this seal is looking up and with their eyes wide open (I think!), it looks like this seal is thinking about life, or where they may get their next meal from. I like that in this picture, I was able to capture the water in the background as I think it looks pretty.

“Done for the day”

This seal looks like how I feel after a day at work! The seal is lying down, and it looks like he/she has water on part of their face. The seal’s eyes look like they are shut or getting there, and the seal looks cosy on the bits of grass underneath.

“Poser”

This seal is in a lovely stance, with the eyes open and face up. I feel like this seal is used to photos and has perfected the art of being in them. There is another seal in the background right next to this one.

There endeth my seal pictures. I hope you enjoyed!

Disability and Cooking

I really like cooking. Even though,  sometimes I can’t be bothered or it ends up in disaster. Burning myself, setting myself on fire (yes really), scalding myself with hot water, knife cuts,  burning tea towels, burning oven gloves and those are just recent highlights. Kris (the husband) helps me quite a bit with cooking – he gets out everything  I need, checks on me and he always does the washing up!

A few weeks ago, I was cooking something in a pan and I smelt some plastic burning. I looked around and I couldn’t work out where it was coming from. So I assumed it was a bit of food on the hob. A few minutes later, I felt really hot, I looked down and my hoodie was on fire. I screamed for Kris, but he didn’t come quickly enough. So I took the hoodie on fire off (which required some aerobic moves) and he came to set out the fire, before anything else caught alight. It’s therefore, not really a surprise that since childhood my mum has always been wary of me cooking. She would always be watching over me and telling me things were hot (like I didn’t know).

For me cooking, like a lot of things, is a sign of me being self sufficient, granted, I need some help, but cooking makes me feel independent. It is also a stress reliever – when I have a few spare hours, it’s nice to bake or cook something new! It also gives me some sense of control (being able to make my own decisions empowers me) and it makes me happy. I remember, at university, I wasn’t really very confident with cooking, but now I feel like I am good! I have people around, and I cook good food. My sister loves just coming over for the food.

So all in all, cooking gives me happiness, (it also makes other people happy) control and independence. Who would have thought all of that comes from the simple act of boiling some pasta or frying an egg?!

Although I haven’t got any recent pictures of my food, take a trip over to my instagram, where you can see some excellent food pictures!

Disability and photography

I have recently (over the last year or two) discovered that I love taking photos (the above photo is of trees and sunshine). Wanting to see if I can be any good at it, a few months ago I set about buying myself a decent camera. I probably need some kind of lessons or training too, but for now trial and error seem to be working. I found a pretty awesome camera and I have been loving it ever since (bar the occasional hiccups).So visually impaired photographers, how does that work? Well pretty simple really, when something captures my attention, I take photos. I’ve found that taking photos helps me to see things in more detail and depth, than I would do just looking at it with my eyes. I can see the shape of an animal or face, the different shades in the sunset and it allows me to appreciate a landscape in a much deeper way. It also gives the world (well not quite…!) the pleasure of my (sometimes) lovely photos.

I was quite anxious about taking and editing photos to begin with. I think one of the many self-limiting beliefs I have is, that I wouldn’t be able to do things well if they rely on having good sight (this is how I categorised taking and editing photos).  Whilst that is true in some cases (for example, I wouldn’t trust myself performing open heart surgery, and I doubt you would either), with photography, I think I misplaced the importance of good sight. It is more about (at least to me) capturing a moment, or the way something makes you feel. This is probably why I seem to take lots of pictures of trees, water and churches – they seem to affect me the most. I love taking photos of landscapes. I like taking photos of people too, but I find that much harder.

Like with any new hobby, it takes time to learn and improve. I don’t seem to have edited people green so far, which is a good sign. I have been on a few holidays recently, which has given me the opportunity to test out my camera and my editing skills.

Below are my current favourites (with descriptions).

Photo 1: A Maltese sunset

This was taken on my mobile, because my camera was at home. But it is of the sunset in Malta at a beach. It was a really warm night and the sky looked so warm and lovely to me. There were a few boats, which you can see in the distance like shadows. I love the water and this brings back lovely memories.

Photo 2: Sunshine and friends

My beautiful friend Karen, who is wearing the most awesome outfit, and the sun is catching her head and skin in the loveliest way. Also from Malta, Malta was an awesome place.

Photo 3: Stained glass and chandeliers

This one is quite niche, and the picture isn’t straight, but I still love it. It’s a picture of a church in Prague and it has the loveliest stained glass and a chandelier, in this dark room in the side of church. I just love the mixture of the light and dark and the chandelier is pretty nifty.

So slowly but surely, I keep expanding my comfort zone and achieving things I didn’t think I could do, and the feeling is good. Sorry for the long silence on the blog by the way, but sometimes you just have to wait for inspiration to hit and I am hoping it will hit a lot more often 🙂 Ideas always welcome.

 

Disability and my awkward moments

Being visually impaired has led to some really awkward moments, probably just not for me but for other people too! Yes, most are funny, but at the time, I wanted to run away, curl into the foetal position or plain never see those people again.

1. I don’t think I have told this story before now, because I was so embarrassed I literally did not know where to look. Somehow, I had left my loo door open, in my first week of a new job, and the cleaner opened the door (to clean the toilets) and there I was. I didn’t see that the door wasn’t locked somehow (or maybe I thought I was locking it and it unlocked, I don’t know). I kept on seeing this cleaner around, I did not know what to say to her (I apologised loads at the time).
2. This I have done more than once, cars, I can’t see inside cars until I open the door. So, if someone doesn’t tell me where to go in, I can easily end up opening the door of the car, to find someone already in that seat. Especially awkward, because you don’t know whether to say hello to the person (style it out like it’s intentional) or apologise lots. I try and style it out, I most certainly fail.
3. Not recognising who people are or overfamiliarity with strangers. This is an awful one, it was really sunny in the office and someone came down to sit next to me (open plan office with few spare seats). The sun was too bright. I could only see this person’s outline, unless they got out of the shade. I couldn’t really work out much, but I had this odd feeling I knew him, because I heard him speak on the phone but I couldn’t be sure. Anyway, instead of saying hello I said nothing and I was just stressed for the whole afternoon. After a few hours, he got up to leave for the day and I realised it was an old colleague of mine! I can’t remember if I apologised or said nothing, but that awkwardness was way too much. This leads perfectly into overfamiliarity with strangers. Thinking I recognise someone, but then they turn out not to be the person I thought I thought they were! I have done this recently at a party. I tapped someone saying hello, before realising I had no idea who they were. I made small talk and swiftly moved on!
4. Fall over in front of people. Ok, so most times this just plain hurts rather than anything else. However, a few years ago I was in Coventry. There was a slope and l fell into the mud, right on my back. You can imagine how that one looked. I got up and laughed it off. It was really really funny, but I spent the rest of my journey trying to cover it up, I was meeting new people and I didn’t want them to think the worst (!).
5. When strangers ask me if I need glasses. I have had so many strangers ask me if I have forgotten my glasses or if I need my eyes checked. I never quite know what to say to them. I normally say I have got a genetic eye condition and glasses can’t fix it. Most people are happy with that response, but not everyone. I remember having a meeting with someone once, who after I said this, came out with, “well I was going to say if you want to go back and get your glasses, I can wait” (I just told you I don’t have glasses!). The worst one from recent times was one response from someone on the tube, “I look like a right prat now” (well you kind of do, but that’s OK, I know I must be an interesting distraction on an incredibly long tube journey).

Anyway, I hope that has cheered you up on possibly the most depressing January of all time. Let’s hope February perks everyone up… #dumptrump.

2016

2016 was an eventful year, personally and politically, I started a new job, tried new things and I developed as a person. I thought I would share my top three lessons from 2016, in the hope that it may help you all.

Don’t compare myself to others.

I don’t know whether it’s just because I am getting older or because I spend too much time on Facebook (!). I think I was sliding into a pattern of comparing myself to others. I quickly realised that if I keep doing this I would never be happy with myself or my achievements, and that is not OK. Everyone has different challenges to face, and no one is a copy of me. So if I keep judging myself like this, I end up belittling my own achievements. It is OK to be proud of myself and I can be truly happy when others succeed (instead of beating myself up!). If I feel like I’m slipping, I remind myself of that.

Try new things.

I didn’t try a massive amount of new things in 2016, but I tried acting, which was an experience that really helped me open up to people. This had mixed impacts, people aren’t always who you think they are, but I am truly grateful to have the opportunity to act, and meet other visually impaired people! Trying new things, for me, gives me a new appreciation for life. I also started a new job, which was not easy, but such a good move for me! It’s challenging and fun. This year, I am going to visit lots of new countries, so many places to see!

Valuing myself.

2016 has taught me that I need to value and look after myself more. I think sometimes people prioritise everything else, looking after other people, work, etc., that they forget about themselves. I am not quite sure of how I am going to do this yet, but I will work that one out and soon! Remember to value yourself because as the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup.

What did you learn from 2016? What are your plans for the year?

Disability and the worst interview

I hate interviews. Not that this makes me special or unique, many people do. I was just reflecting on the number of interviews I had before getting a job after university – I had around 17. It was hard enough applying for a job and receiving rejections all of the time, but preparing for an interview means finding out about the role, the company, its ethos, why you would want to work there. You do all this, and don’t get the job. One of the interviews I had, I will never forget.

The job was for a really cool internship in another country. It sounded perfect, the internship would be office based but it was perfect for a SOAS graduate like me, who wanted to make the world a better place. I was very optimistic, I knew a lot about the country I would be going to, because I studied it as part of my degree. The role would give me the experience I needed to work in the development field. The interview started off well, I made the reasons why I wanted to be involved clear, and I told them about my skills and experiences. That was when things started getting awkward.

They brought up my eyesight, and whilst I don’t mind explaining the basics to people who don’t know about it, they made several assumptions. They said it would be difficult for me to walk because most of the paths were uneven, it would be hard for me in unfamiliar surroundings, and that I would have to go with someone. It was like they assumed I hadn’t thought any of this through. There are ways to familiarise myself, and once I know an area I am extremely independent. I attempted to convince these people that I would be ok, explaining all of this to them, whilst forcing myself not to get angry or breakdown. All I ever wanted to do in life, really, is help people. I was being told (not in so many words) that I couldn’t really help people less fortunate than myself, because of my disability.

I had the opportunity to give another member of the team feedback on the informal chat after, which they did for all interviews for this internship. I was very grateful for this. I told him how this made me feel, I told him that for what they were trying to achieve, I didn’t expect to be put on the spot like that, and my disability shouldn’t come up like that in the interview process. He seemed to agree and I hope they took it on board.

I am a strong willed and motivated person, but this experience taught me something quite early on in the job search, to never let people perceptions of my abilities get me down. I kept going, and that’s how I made it to where I am today. I didn’t give up. Challenge ignorance and don’t give up. We can achieve great things, even if sometimes that means a bit more determination is needed, we can be the game changers.

 

 

Disability and change

Change, for some people is a word that can fill one with excitement, hope and animation, but for others it can bring feelings of anxiety or maybe even dread. For me, although I want to be the kind of person to be excited about change (and I do try to convince myself I am excited!), I mostly feel sheer dread.

It’s why I can often be shy about making big changes to my life, like starting a new job for example. Some of you may know that I started a new job nearly a month ago. It has been a draining experience, getting to know my way around the labyrinth of my new building; using the canteen, printing, familiarising myself with new faces, all whilst trying to give the persona of someone being in control and deserving of this new job. It’s tiring! I have avoided the canteen, partly because it took me time to top up my catering card, but also because the building is a maze! On my first trip to the canteen, I was completely flustered, the menus were small, the place was crowded and I didn’t know where anything was, I felt increasing levels of panic and stress. If I was by myself, I would have probably just given up and gone outside to the safe shops I know. But I didn’t, I worked it out and had an enjoyable lunch.

Another scary thing for me over the past month was, deciding how to speak about my disability to people I will be working with. I got some great advice from my old colleague. She suggested a small session with my new team to talk about my eyesight and how to best work with me. I was really scared about doing it, but it ended up being the best thing ever. I felt instantly comfortable after this and people really appreciated me being open.

So this change has really taught me a lot. Firstly, have a good support network if you are making a change. They will help you to keep perspective if you are panicking and give you great advice. Secondly, if you can push through the hard bits (I have now visited the canteen quite a few times and not had a minor panic attack!), then change can be quite fun. I must admit, it’s quite nice having a canteen and nice meeting new people and work on new things. Thirdly, just because something is tough, doesn’t mean you should shy away from it, your experiences play a big part in shaping who you are.

So, all I can say today is, try to embrace change and be brave. Enjoy the ride!

Disability and why it matters.

I know that on occasions, some disabled activists can be seen or dismissed as just angry. But, have people stopped to think why people are angry or why they are shouting about inclusion and equality?

The truth of the matter is that disabled people get a bloody raw deal. I am employed, I am (relatively) successful and I have accepted (ish) my eyesight and I know how to deal with it (most of the time).

The majority of disabled people aren’t in this positon. We need a strong voice – but please don’t dismiss this as anger. Instead, see it for what it is, a reaction to the ever present inequality in today’s society. Where disabled people do not get the same level of treatment or respect as others in society do. Where disabled people:

• Are more likely to be unemployed. Government statistics from the Labour force survey show that in 2012, 46.3% of working-age disabled people were in employment compared to 76.4% of working-age, non-disabled people. There was therefore a 30.1 percentage point gap between disabled and non-disabled people, representing over 2 million people[1]
• Do not have the same access to the same facilities. For example, public transport (just have a look to see how few stations have full wheelchair access),
• Do not have the same access to books (I couldn’t find the new Harry Potter book as an audio book on Audible)
• Are broadly less engaged in society, statistics provided on GOV.UK show that disabled people are more likely to receive unfair treatment at work and remain significantly less likely to participate in cultural, leisure and sporting activities than non-disabled people.

Isn’t it about time this changed? Even in places you think would be accessible, we have to fight for reasonable adjustments. I think we could start off with one simple change. You can implement this at work, with friends, however you want. But trust me, this one simple change, would help me and hopefully other disabled people to just feel included. I won’t need to ask (or in the odd case shout!) to get something. When you organise an event, add a sentence like “if anyone has any reasonable adjustments they would need for this event, please get in touch”. Even if you are organising something for friends, this can still apply.  Sometimes it is so much easier for me to meet people at the nearest station, or go with someone to the pub, because I will panic if I can’t find the people I am looking for there. I am not saying this will change the world, but something as simple as this could make a step in the right direction.

“ Be the change you want to see in the world”.

[1] https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/disability-facts-and-figures/disability-facts-and-figures

Disability and my husband

When I was studying at university, I didn’t feel very confident about myself, how I looked, my scholarly abilities or my eyesight. This meant that I didn’t really value myself very much. I didn’t take enough time to love or care for myself. I just ignored that niggly negative voice at the back of my mind and didn’t deal with those feelings. One consequence of feeling like this was, I never thought I would be worthy of love. I know a man should not help to define my sense of self-worth, and being in love or married, is not the only thing that matters. I still think that. But at the time, I honestly thought I would be lonely forever (I didn’t want that) and no man I actually liked would understand my disability, or let’s face it, my, slightly odd, personality.

It’s been 7 years since I left university and just under 7 years I have known my now husband.  It was our two-year anniversary in July. He has helped me to believe in and appreciate myself.  People say behind every successful man there is a woman, but behind a successful Dipti there is my lovely husband (oh and my family and friends, but this post is for our two year wedding anniversary so it’s all about my husband).

I wrote this little thank you to my husband, and he has permitted me to share it with you all. It is very personal to me, which is why it has taken so long to post. So here goes:

Thank you for helping me with anything. All I have to do is ask.

Thank you for being patient, when I keep banging my knee on the corner of the bed and shout the house down. You always clean the cuts and sort the bruises, no matter how small.

Thank you for not being annoyed when I tell you how to drive, rubbish your ‘parallel’ parking or when I get irritated when you have taken the wrong turn.

Thank you for helping me in the mornings and telling me if my makeup is wrong.

Thank you for coping with me when I walk into the road, insisting that the car wasn’t driving too fast.  

Thank you for checking my blog – seeing your face when you do it makes me happy. I’m sorry I pick out the grammar you have missed.

Thank you for believing in me and helping me to believe in myself.

You have always loved me for being me. I will always love you for being you. I look forward to the rest of our life together. Because… we are better together.

If you have someone you really love (family, partners, friends, anyone) – make sure you appreciate them. Give them a hug and go and thank them.

Love is a very special thing.

Disability and my value

Value. What does it mean to value yourself? I think that you can only really value yourself if you feel that you (yes, you) are worth something and your opinions, feelings, likes (or dislikes) matter.

Having a disability has sometimes made me feel valueless, and that would impact on how I do things (or not do things!). This has changed, still not perfect, but life is a work in progress after all! I am glad it has changed though. I like the strong inner voice I am building. It makes me feel powerful, it is what gives me the strength to write this post.

Even though I have started valuing myself, I still have times where I value the needs of others or the needs of my job, before my own health, wellbeing or just do something I like. I also give up my time for other people (this isn’t a bad thing, but I suppose it’s the reason why a person needs to think about). I want to help others, but not at the expense of myself and that shouldn’t be the defining factor of my self-worth. I (and, in my opinion, we all should) should already know and appreciate my own worth.

What I struggle with sometimes is that I find it hard to ask for what I need, especially if that is because I can’t see very well. I used to say nothing, just let things be, let this stuff carry on. It didn’t matter if my eyes were strained or I couldn’t see the PowerPoint – it wasn’t an issue I’d want to address because I didn’t think I was important. I would sacrifice my engagement in something, or my learning, because I didn’t value myself enough to ask. I didn’t want to make a fuss. But I started to realise that I am important. I must apologise though, I don’t think there is a magic formula to realising this!  Nevertheless, I ask when I need (or even want…) something now. It’s not a big deal anymore. Whether that’s asking a colleague what colours a bar chart is, or whether I am writing in red pen (!). What changed was me realising, that being visually impaired doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to give – I can do well at anything I put my mind too (well, almost anything!). So I have a right to succeed just as much as anyone else. (Oh and I will do by the way – right now I am a force to be reckoned with!)

Society may help or hinder you to find your value. Society plays an important role. I listened to an amazing TED talk (thank you to my special WhatsApp group for that!) and it made me think. If those in power show us that disabled people are valued, by ensuring new policies or infrastructure consider accessibility from the offset, maybe that would help signal to disabled people that they are valued in society. Disability should not be an afterthought.

So what I am saying (I think!) is valuing yourself is important. It is important to look after yourself and remember that no matter what you can’t do, you are important. You deserve anything you want in life and you have the power to make that happen. Feel your value and use your power.

Amazing TED talk here: https://www.ted.com/talks/elise_roy_when_we_design_for_disability_we_all_benefit